The Downward Spiral
by Subject87
Summary: When Carly dies after being run over by a truck Sam and Freddie descend into a Downward Spiral that they may never recover from. Rated M for future chapters, based off the Downward Spiral album by Nine Inch Nails.
1. Prologue

Freddie sighed as they walked down the street, Sam, Carly, and him. They were heading out to film shots of Seattle for a bit on iCarly. Examining his camera to make sure there were no technical difficulties when they got to the small hill over looking one of Seattles parks he didn't hear the truck coming.

Sam was busy eating the piece of ham in her hand, trying to think of some way to insult Freddie when he hadn't really done anything to deserve it yet (at least in her eyes) and pretty much trying not to laugh at the bunny suit Carly was wearing for the skit they were about to. She stopped and bent down to pick up a quarter on the ground, needing all the money she could get, and was completely oblivious to the truck that was moving towards them. .

Carly fidgeted with the bunny suit she was currently wearing and tried to get regain a semi amount of comfort 'me and my big mouth' she thought as she squirmed, trying not to let the heat get to her "Why do I have to wear this stupid thing again?" she asked and groaned as Sam merely shrugged. Focusing on her suit she stepped out on the street, completely oblivious to her surroundings until an immense pain then.. Nothing.

In a moment neither Sam wouldn't forget, and she was sure Freddie wouldn't either, she heard a spine tingling scream from Freddie and looked up to make a joke about it until she saw why he was screaming, which only caused her to scream with him "Call for help!" she said, "I'll go get Spencer."

Running as fast as she could she finally reached Carly's apartment, gasping for breath, and opened the door to the apartment she knew so well after spending so much time here. She found Spencer at the fridge with a pizza and screamed his name, making him jump and pull out his gun they were using for Assasins and use the Pizza for a shield "Carly's hurt!" she screamed. Spencer hesitated for a moment but rolled his eyes "Nice try Sam, but I know you're just trying to get me out of the game."

Sam groaned and grabbed the Pizza, throwing it on the ground "CARLY IS HURT" she screamed and it finally dawned on him that maybe she was telling the truth "Let's go!" he said and she took his hand, leading him back to the site where Carly had been hit.

Meanwhile Freddie took Carly's hand and tried to encourage her to hang on "It'll be alright.." he said "You'll be fine" he mentally berated himself after each sentence, of course she wouldn't be okay! She'd been hit by a truck! "Oh god" he muttered as she spit up blood "Where's the damn ambulance?" he cried, not caring about his language at that moment "The Ambulance will be here any minute" he said trying not to sound like he was panicking, though his heart and mind were racing and at the moment he couldn't breath. "C'mon Carly.. Don't do this to me" he said "Don't you leave me before I have a chance to make you mine."

The words sounded selfish to him but again he didn't care, and as he spoke he saw a small smile on her face which made him grin even though tears were pouring down his face "I'm sorry Freddie" he heard which made him look at her face "I've always.. Liked you in a way and knew I should probably give you a chance" she whispered, unable to talk any louder.

Carly looked up at Freddie and tried to smile but it hurt, everything hurt., and she just wanted it to stop. She wanted to make him feel better so she said the only thing she could think of, though she wondered if maybe her words were partly true, "Freddie" she continued, sounding slightly delirious "I-If.. When I recover" she began, struggling to form words "I'll let you take me out for a smoothie or something.. Just like you always wanted."

Freddie couldn't believe his ears, she would give him a chance? After all this time? Then he realized something, she was trying to make him feel better "No.. I want you to give me a chance because you really want to" he said, his voice hollow and defeated "I want you to give me a chance because I've earned it.. Not because you want me to stop crying" he sighed and kissed her temple "When I've earned that date then I'll be happy" he whispered softly.

Carly tried to roll her eyes, he was being as stubborn as usual, she tried to form words but a loud siren and Sam and Spencer. As she began to fade in and out of consciousness she felt herself lifted into the ambulance. Next there was a slamming sound, the doors must be closing, and she blacked out.

Freddie looked up at the paramedic as they put Carly in the ambulance and sighed "Will she be okay?" he asked, his concern obvious in his voice. The paramedic sighed and looked at Sam and Freddie "To be honest" he began, "It doesn't look good." Freddie's heart sank and Sam was speechless "What do you mean?" Freddie asked numbly. "She's bleeding internally and she may start bleeding into her brain, which wouldn't be good at all" Freddie nodded and felt his heart fall even more, if that was even possible. Freddie called his mom and asked her to drive them to the hospital, explaining that Carly was hurt, When he hung up he looked at Sam and nearly broke down crying at the sight of her "What're we going to do Freddie?" she asked quietly.

Freddie sighed "We're going to hope.. and we're going to pray" he said sighing again as his mother came "C'mon.. I got us a ride to the hospital" Sam nodded numbly and followed him, getting into the backseat and vaguely listening to Mrs. Benson worry about Freddie.

Marissa bit her lip, worrying about Freddie was her full time job anymore it seemed. She knew that he was a grown boy now and needed his space but to her he would always be her little boy. Now her little boy was hurting, it was obvious by the defeated look in his eye, the look which made her heart break for the boy every time she looked at it. Ten minutes later they pulled up to the hosptial and Freddie and Sam got out, Marissa told them she'd join them after she got a parking spot and they just kind of nodded at her as they entered the hospital.

When Carly opened her eyes there were two men in front of her, one dressed in an entirly white suit, the other dressed in an entirely white suit. "W-Who're you?" she asked. They both looked at her with a smug look "We are.. Everything" they said together "I am death, and he is life" the man in the white suit said, pointing to the black suited man when he said life. "But.. I don't understand, why are we here?" she asked "I was hit by.. I was hit by a truck" she said looked at them "A-Am I dead?" she asked, fear creeping into her voice, "I.. I don't want to die, I've got something to live for" she said.

The man in the white suit, death, shook his head "It is time.. We are the guardians of the next world, We decide when it is someones time." The man in black, Life, nodded "Normally" he said, his tone gentler than the other man's "I would be all for allowing people to Live.. But even I can see it is your time, follow him and suffer no more."

Carly nodded with tears in her eyes, she wasn't ready to leave Spencer, Sam.. Freddie, Oh god she'd never see him again.. She followed death past the large rusty gate and closed her eyes as she descended further into the next life.

The monitor, which had been beeping slowly to show she had a heart beat suddenly went flat and the alarms went off "we're losing her" the doctor cried as he got the paddles "Clear!" he said putting them to her heart and letting the electrical charge off in a attempt to revive her. Pulling off the paddles he looked at the screen and cursed "Dammit.. again" he said charging the paddles "Clear!" he said as again he attempted to restart her heart, to no avail. Finally he put the paddles down and sighed "Call it, I'll go talk to the family."

Freddie walked up to the nurses station and asked where Carly Shay was, after a fre moments of typing the nurse finally told them to go to the 5th floor and she would be in room 503. Freddie and Sam ran to the stairs, not being patient enough for the elevator to arrive and ran up all five flights of stairs. When they got to room 502 they saw Spencer standing outside the door, tears in his eyes as the doctor talked to him. When Freddie got closer he could finally hear the doctor, and he hated what he heard "I'm sorry, we did everything we could.. I have to call time of death."

Freddie and Sam froze, neither willing to accept what they'd just over heard, and burst into tears. Freddie slumped against the wall, tears pouring down his face, he didn't know what to feel. He was angry, hurt, scared, and full of hatred. Sam looked over at Freddie and said "why? Why her... It should've been me! Or You, not her.. She was the innocent one" Sam let out a strangled sob before walking away.

Her words replayed over and over in his mind until they were all he heard. Freddie nodded in agreement even though she was long gone, yes.. It should have been him, why wasn't it him? He deserved this.. Not her, Not his Carly. He mentally slapped himself, she wasn't his Carly, and she never would be. "I'm sorry Carly.." he trailed off, his only thought was that his last owrds to her had been that he hadn't earned her love.. He should have told her he loved her, but he didn't. And now it was too late.

Carly Shay, the love of his life, was dead.. and Freddie was all alone.

**Note:** So what did you think? I tried to capture how Freddie would feel if Carly died, and I hope I captured a bit of what Sam was feeling but I'll expand on that in the next chapter which will start the downward spiral of Freddie and Sam, but I'll only write the next chapter if people show a interest in this story. So please Read and Review!


	2. Nothing Can Stop me Now

Freddie looked down at the blank notebook in his lap and sighed, it had been a day since he'd watched Carly, the girl he loved, die and he'd been helpless to stop it. Sam wasn't speaking to him, she looked as bad as he felt. He uncapped the black ink pen and touched it to the paper, not quite sure what to write, he briefly wondered if this is how song writers felt until finally it came to him, he loved poetry.. So why not something dark that expressed his self hatred and loathing? Quickly he began to scribble

_I am the voice inside your head _

_I am the lover in your bed _

_I am the sex that you provide _

_I am the hate you try to hide_

Freddie paused and stared at the words, he wasn't quite sure where they came from but he knew they were right, he wasn't literally any of those things.. But in a way he was talking about Carly, he could still hear her in his head, tormenting him with her laughter and sweet voice. He closed his notebook for a moment and stood up, eager to find something to distract him.

Looking around he found a bottle of sleeping pills he'd swiped earlier from the drug store but shook his head, he was still angry at himself for just stealing them let alone thinking of trying them. Sam had resorted to drugs, or so he'd heard, to help her forget the pain of losing her best friend. He fingered the white bottle of pills, the plastic felt cold and uncaring against his finger tips.

Freddie growled in frustration and threw the bottle out of the window over looking the street "I don't care how much it hurts, I will not destroy myself to forget" he promised himself. "Won't you?" a voice asked him and he spun around to see who was talking, but there was no one there, "No I won't" he replied coldly, "Carly wouldn't want me to!" he continued, "Who are you anyway?" He asked.

"Shouldn't it be obvious?" the voice retorted, "It's me Carly" and suddenly the cold voice turned sweet and warm "Shouldn't you do whatever you can to ease the pain of my passing?" she asked. Walking over to him Carly, who he knew couldn't really be Carly, placed a cold hand on his face and whispered "It's your fault after all, you let me die!" The soft whisper turning into a cold hiss.

Freddie woke up with a scream and shivered, he was sweating 'It was just a nightmare' he said 'Carly wouldn't blame you.. She wouldn't" he shivered and looked at the journal in his hand, he must have only slept for a moment "I'm losing my mind.." he said, "That's the only solution.. She's only been dead a day and I'm losing my mind." However deep down a tiny voice nagged him, what if Carly really did blame him? What if she was plotting her revenge for when they met in the next life?

Looking back down at his journal he touched the black inked pin to the apaper and scribbled again, fueled by guilt, doubt, and remorse.

_I take you where you want to go_

_I give you all you need to know_

_I drag you down I use you up_

It wasn't perfect, but it's what he felt like.. That dream he'd had,the image of Carly.. Just seeing her had done so many things: Taken him back to when he'd met her (which was his favorite memory to revisit), given him knowledge that he should try to forgot (though he wasn't sure if he wanted to know that), but most importantly he felt.. Drained in a way, used up by the dream. Closing his eyes he chuckled, if the tech thing didn't work out he could Certainly take up work as poet. His thoughts began to wander to Sam, wondering how she was doing.

Sam tried to keep her eyes open, she really did, but those pills she'd swiped.. Man they were strong, letting out a giggle she pulled out the journal Freddie had bought her "It'll help you.. I don't know, move on.. Write down your feelings" he'd said. "What a nub" she muttered but couldn't resist opening the damn thing to look at it, Freddie always smart.. Maybe he had a point, she always had something to say, and right now she definitely had something to write. Her hand writing, in contrast to Freddie's neat writing, was sloppy and almost unreadable but she pressed the pen to the paper and began to write.

**Hey pig**

**Yeah you**

**Hey pig piggy pig pig pig**

**All of my fears came true**

**Black and blue and broken bones you left me here I'm all alone**

**My little piggy needed something new**

Sam grinned, Freddie was right, this gave her something to do (not that it really helped the despair she felt at losing her best friend) she giggled and lay back, the notebook in her hand as she continued to reread the six line's she'd written, who thought she'd be good at Poetry? Even if this wasn't technically poetry, it was something because it was exactly how she felt, alone.. Sure she could go talk to Freddie but why talk to a nub? Besides he probably would have nothing to do with her now, he only tolerated her because of Carly.. Pressing the pen back to the paper she felt tears in her eyes "Not now damn it" she scolded herself, she obviously needed to chill abit more.. but she wanted to write.

"Compromise" she muttered as she opened the orange pill bottle she'd swiped from her mother "is Everything" she wasn't quite sure what the pill was, but it made her relax, taking one of the small white pills in her hand she examined it, it was round and smooth with no other markings "So perfect looking" she muttered "Why can't any thing else be this perfect, this smooth?" she asked aloud to no one in particular.

Swallowing the pill she sighed in relief and closed her eyes, she just needed a minute to rest her eyes, only to have them snap open when she heard footsteps "Who's there?" she called, "I swear Freddie if this is another of your dumb tricks I'm going to pound you into oblivion." She froze when instead of Freddie's voice Carly replied "You wouldn't want to hurt me would you?" the voice paused for a moment as Carly stepped into view, looking just as she had before she'd died, and smiled at her "I mean, I'm already dead, haven't I suffered enough?" she asked giggling at the look of horror on Sam's face.

"C'mon Sam" she whined "You're doing drugs, strong drugs, did you really thing I wouldn't know? Tsk tsk.. I'm so ashamed" she said "I tried, I really tried to help you.. But you're just beyond redemption" she said moving closer "And now I know, so does Freddie.. I mean, you treated him like crap but you appreciated his friendship.. He was always there for us and you treated him like dirt.. But now he knows, he knows your a pathetic bitch who doesn't deserve friends.. And now a drug addict, you're hopeless Sam" the voice sneered.

Sam backed away from Carly, this wasn't the Carly she knew, "Stop it" she said, her voice trembling "I'm not pathetic.. I'm not a loser!" she tried to fight back but Carly just continued "I mean, you just sat there, Freddie had to scream at you to go get Spencer, maybe if you had thought for yourself for once in your pathetic life I would have lived."

Sam shook her head "It's not my fault" she whispered, shaking her head again and cowering in the corner of her room. Carly knelt down, blood dripping from her mouth now as she whispered "It's all your fault, it was always your fault.. And I hope you rot in hell" Sam looked up and shrieked "IT'S NOT MY FAULT!"

Waking with a start she threw her notebook away and let the tears come, Carly had been right.. It was her fault.. She'd let Carly die, sobbing she grabbed the pill bottle and grabbed three more, swallowing them quickly she sighed and giggled, she loved this.. This numb feeling, she needed to find out this pills name. 'Wonder if I can get something stronger' she thought numbly 'I bet I can find something on the street.. Just need a little more.. A little more..' and before she could finish that thought she passed out in her chair.

Freddie looked down at the closed notebook, he'd been visualizing that dream, how real it felt.. He wanted to crawl into a corner and die, but he couldn't. For one he couldn't face Carly in the next life, the other was he had a life.. A plan, he wanted to graduate highschool and go to college, he needed to this because Carly would want that for him 'It's all your fault' the voice from the dream taunted him "Shut up!" he screamed at no one in particular.

Sighing he figured he should go check on Sam, he hadn't seen her and he was kind of worried, but first he picked up the notebook off his desk and turned to the first page, rereading it he smirked and decided it needed a little something, it just didn't feel right to him. Sitting down he picked up the pen sitting next to him and began to write again

_I am denial guilt and fear And I control you_

_I am the prayers of the naïve And I control you_

_I am the lie that you believe_

Closing the notebook he slipped it into his desk and shut it, using the lock he'd installed last week to make sure his mother didn't get to it, she'd freak if she read it. Heading out of the apartment he began the ten or so minute walk to Sam's apartment.

When he got there Sam was passed out on the floor, without hesitation he rushed over to her and shook her, panick starting to set in as he saw the bottle of pills laying on the floor "Sam what did you do" he whispered as he did the only thing he could think of, CPR like his mother had taught him, and sighed in relief when the girl coughed "Thank god" he muttered as she sat up "How many of those did you take?" he demanded.

Sam looked at him groggily and smirked "worried about me nub?" she asked dreamily, still under the influence of the pills "I messed up is all, besides it helps" she aid "You don't feel anything and it just feels.. Amazing" she said. Freddie gulped and looked at the orange bottle full of pills "They make you forget?" he asked suddenly as Sam stood up and stretched "Oh yeah totally, you just feel kind of.. numb" she said and grinned "The great Fredward Benson is actually thinking about taking drugs? Even the legal kind? Color me shocked" she said dryly.

Freddie's face flushed, she'd seen right through him, "I am not!" he said but his fingers tightened on the pill bottle. "No, it's okay" she said shrugging "You loved her, it's killing you that she's dead" she said and smirked "Go ahead and do it.. I mean after all, I won't tell if you don't"

Sam felt kind of bad, really she was just pushing Freddie in the hopes he would fall with her. She knew she was losing it, but she didn't want to be alone.. Maybe, just maybe if she pushed Freddie over the edge she wouldn't be alone. She knew it was selfish, but she didn't care anymore.. There was nothing to stop her now, she had stopped caring when her friend died.

Freddie opened the top of the pill bottle and looked inside, the pills looked so inviting.. So, welcoming . He took one of the small pills in his hand and continued to study it, Sam watching him intently.. If she was right this was the solution to his pain, his suffering, this one little pill would help him forget everything. He closed his eyes, hating himself in this moment, and popped the pill into his mouth.

Freddie swallowed the pill, sighing and then grinning, "Woah" he commented as he lay on the floor and giggled like a child "Sam, you were right" he said, "This feels.. Amazing" he knew he'd hate himself later but now he just wanted more, swallowing two more pills (Sam taking three more) he smiled for the first time since Carly died and with Sam passed out on the floor.

**Note:** I don't own Mr. Self Destruct or Piggy by Nine inch nails, I was just inspired by the songs to write this chapter, next will be Heresy or March of the pigs, I might not do the songs in order depending on how the story goes, and please for future refernce do not comment to tell me Creddie sucks, I don't like Seddie but I don't bash the couple (though there will be Seddie in this story it won't really be Seddie.. You'll see) and leave comments, I got a couple favorites but only one review, So please Read and Review!


	3. Continuing Down the Spiral

Freddie folded his arms under his chest and looked over at Sam, her hair dyed brunette now, and grunted, her hair reminded him of Carly.. How he wanted to smash her for that, to just keep hitting her for that.. He shook his head and sighed, he hated violence and these thoughts were so alien to him, it didn't make sense for him to think like that. He glared at Sam one more time before walking back over and grabbing the pill bottle, he still didn't know what these things were but he couldn't function without them, and swallowed three of the tiny white pills.

Sam smirked at Freddie, her brunette hair to punish him, it was his fault Carly died after all. She knew just having the brunette hair would punish Freddie more than anything else she could say or do, granted she couldn't stand to look in the mirror.. She'd ended up putting her fist through every mirror she looked into and her fists were still wrapped from the cuts she'd revived from the glass.

Freddie groaned in pleasure as the pills took effect "It's been two weeks" he said as he resumed looking out the window "Two weeks since Carly died and everything has just moved on back to normal.. Why? Why do these idiots get to move on and be happy when we're suffering?" he looked up and groaned as Sam shrugged "Bunch of goddamned pigs." he sneered and looked around his bedroom, Sam and Freddie's new hangout spot when his mom was gone since Spencer had moved away after the funeral to god knows where. Picking up a small galaxy wars paper weight he chucked it out the window and smirked as he watched it hit someone, then ducked with Sam before they could see him.

He was supposed to write a small poem or something for school but he really just didn't feel like it, he didn't feel like doing anything since the funeral. He looked up at Sam and smirked "It's a March of the Pigs" he said laughing at his own Joke, to drugged up to care how lame It sounded." Instead of sneering at him she snorted and began imitating pig noises "Now I want ham, do you have any ham?" she asked and grinned as he nodded "be right back then" she said and he nodded, left alone with his thoughts finally.

_I want a little bit I want a piece of it _ _I want to watch it come down_ _Don't like the look of it _ _Don't like the taste of it _ _Don't like the smell of it_ _I want to watch it come down_

Freddie looked up as he pondered what would happen to those people out there if their happiness, the happiness he so desperately wanted back, if they could just feel the suffering that he was going through.. they wouldn't be so fucking happy anymore. He sighed, he hated these thoughts and tried to banish them whenever they popped up into his mind "Fuck me" he murmured as Sam came back.

Sam had a piece of ham in her mouth, and another slice in her hand, "How can you think about food?" he sneered "I haven't been able to eat for three days." He looked down and sighed again, he was doing that a lot, it was obvious he hadn't been eating by how his ribs were starting to show. He brushed a hand through his hair, now almost down to his shoulder, and glared at Sam again. Every time he looked at her it was like Carly was still here, then he would remember she died and that cold feeling of despair came back all over again "I hate you, I hope you know that" he snarled.

Sam looked over at him, obviously surprised, "Well it's about time" she snarled in returned "I hate you, it's your fucking fault that Carly died" she said shoving him against the wall "If you hadn't been talking you would have noticed that truck it should have fucking been you"she cried, slugging him on the arm.

Freddie winced, the pain was throbbing like nothing he'd ever felt before.. But then he realized something, he wasn't thinking of Carly anymore, he was thinking of the pain he felt "Is that all you got?" he choked out "I thought the great Sam Puckett would be able to hit harder than that"

Sam paused, looking up back up at him "I swear Freddie, I'd swear your turning into a masochist on me" she said, a small smirk on her face "I mean, aren't you a christian and all that bull?" she asked moving to slug him again.

_God is dead and no one cares_ _If there is a Hell I will see you there_

Freddie's heart was racing "No, I'm not a christian.. I've realized something" he trailed off grinning like a madman "God is dead, he died a long fucking time ago, and I was a fool for following him" he said smirking before grabbing her wrists "And I realized I'm fucking tired of being your punching bag" he said.

Sam's heart started to race, was this really Freddie Benson? The nub who'd she'd been beating the shit out of and tormenting since they'd met? Sam bit her lip and looked at him, his eyes were desperate which just made things all the more confusing "What the fuck do you want?" she asked, her voice low as he pulled her closer to him.

_You let me violate you  
>You let me desecrate you<br>You let me penetrate you  
>You let me complicate you <em>

Freddie smirked at the question "I want you to feel the pain you put me through, all my life you've put me down, berated me, made me feel useless.. Now I'm complicating things aren't I?" he snarled as he threw her on the bed, he didn't want to be gentle.. he wanted her to feel the pain he was feeling, he wanted to escape.

Sam moaned, she was surprisingly turned on by this "So what, you want to fuck now, you damn pervert?" she asked, surprising herself when she found out she hoped the answer was yes "You want to penetrate me? Violate me?" she snarled, liking this battle of wills, and was pleased to feel him climbing on top of her, pinning her to the bed "You're lucky my mom is away for the weekend" he grunted.

_I broke apart my insides  
>(Help me...)<br>I've got no soul to sell  
>(Help me...)<br>The only thing that works for me  
>Help me get away from myself, <em>

Freddie thought about it when she asked what he wanted "I want to get away.. I want to get away from myself" he said as he kissed her roughly, pleased when she returned the kiss.

_You can have my isolation  
>You can have the hate that it brings<br>You can have my absence of faith  
>You can have my everything<br>_

"I'm going to give you everything I've got" he promised her as the clothes started flying off "Everything I've build up since the funeral" he paused to kiss her neck, bring out a moan from her and he felt her hands wander down his body "Fuck" he cried as she slipped into his boxers, stroking him roughly "make it harder, make it hurt" he practically begged as she found herself on top "Oh you want it to hurt huh?" she asked giggling.

_I wanna fuck you like an animal  
>I wanna feel you from the inside<br>I wanna fuck you like an animal  
>My whole existence is flawed <em>

_You make me perfect  
>Help me become somebody else <em>

Freddie and Sam's first time was rough, they didn't make love, they didn't just have sex, they fucked each other to erase their flaws "Fuck!" Sam cried as she orgasmed and Freddie repeated the sentiment and she groaned, this was the drug they'd been looking for.. Their existences were extremely flawed but this, this made them perfect even if it was temporary and they both knew they'd come back for more.

The next morning Freddie sat up, Sam was still passed out on the bed, and picked up the orange bottle. His body was building a resistance to the drugs and he knew he couldn't rely on Sam for a fuck every night, judging just by how sore his body was he could only imagine how sore hers had to be. Getting dressed he left a small note for her saying he was going out. Heading out the door he paused, grabbing the money he knew his mother kept for emergency he grinned, hoping it was enough for whatever drug would make him forget the best.

When Sam woke up she rolled her eyes at the note and winced, she could not do that every night, getting up she wrapped her body in the sheets and left the note laying on the bed, written in Freddie's neat, precise hand writing.

_Through every forest  
>Above the trees<br>Within my stomach  
>Scraped off my knees<br>I drink the honey, inside your hive...  
>You are the reason I stay alive... <em>

**Note: **Well here's the next chapter, the next one will be out.. when I get to it. Please Read and review! Im getting a couple good reviews but I'd like a few more, if you like the story pass it on to your friends, and ask them to review! Also a very big thank you to Lumiforever for the awesome reviews! I know this chapter has Seddie, but it's the only way I could see the story continuing, and I'll upload a couple more Creddie oneshots once I get inspired to write them.


	4. Ruiner

Freddie looked at the needle laying on the floor of his room, it had been only 12 hours since he'd had sex with Sam and his body was still sore, but he was starting to recover.. Especially with what he'd just injected into himself. He leaned back and let the drugs take effect, the heroin he'd bought from the drug dealer in the alley behind the apartment building was doing exactly what he'd been promised it would do.. He didn't feel a thing.

Finally he felt confident enough to sit up and he smirked, he still didn't feel hardly anything but that ever familiar self hatred for how far he'd fallen. Reaching over he grabbed his journal and opened it to the second page, ignoring the entry which he couldn't stand to read. Grabbing a pen he closed his eyes as his consciousness began to talk to him again, yelling at him to stop this before it was to late "It is too late!" he screamed and threw a Galaxy Wars figure across the room where it hit the wall and fell to the floor.

As he calmed down he couldn't help but feel relief that his mother wasn't here, looking back down he stared at the needle as the sunshine hit it, reflecting light off it and making it appear to almost shine "Ruiner" he snarled at it, as if it could actually hear him, and turned around to focus on the open journal beside him and pressing the black ink to the paper, his hand shaky as the heroin tore though his system, slowly ruining him.

_**You had all of them on your side, didn't you?**_ _**You believed in all your lies, didn't you?**_ _**The Ruiner's got a lot to prove he's got nothing to lose and now he made you believe**_ _**The Ruiner's your only friend well he's the living end to the cattle he deceives**_ _**The raping of the innocent you know the Ruiner ruins everything he sees**_ _**Now the only pure thing left in my fucking world is wearing your disease**_

As he wrote his breathing became ragged and his mind began to wander, losing himself to the anger that was beginning to poison his mind. "If Carly hasn't died" he muttered to himself, "Then I wouldn't be a fucking heroin addict and I wouldn't be Fucking Sam Puckett" his entire arm was shaking out of rage before he closed his eyes and took a deep breath "No, it's my fault.. I chose this path" he reasoned "It's because I'm a weak, pathetic man.. I deserve whatever happens to me" he whispered, his rational mind taking back over as he heard a knock on his door and he pondered answering the door. Pausing to write down the last of this poem he put the pen back to the paper and wrote.

_**The Ruiner's a collector he's an infecter serving his shit to his flies**_ _**Maybe there will come a day when those that you keep blind will suddenly realize**_ _**Maybe there will come a day when those that you keep blind will suddenly realize  
>Maybe it's a part of me you took it to a place I hoped it would never go<br>And maybe that fucked me up much more than you'll ever know  
>You didn't hurt me<br>Nothing can stop me now **_

Closing his eyes as he shut the journal, not giving himself a chance to analyze the last bit of the entry he headed out of his room, stumbling as the last bit of heroin moved through his system. Opening the door he sighed as he saw Sam, biting her lip and looking at him, "What?" he asked looking at her, forming the word carefully as he found it difficult to form word. Sam, of course, noticed and opened the door and pushed past him "The hell is wrong with you, we had sex last night and then you just.. Vanished" she said "where the hell did you go? And that note, What the hell was that note?" she asked. He turned, trying to ignore her, and headed to his room. She of course followed and he flopped down on his bed, feeling exhausted as he tried to answer her questions "I.. I don't know" he said "I just felt, alive in that moment.. More alive than I have in a long, long time" he said looking at her. "Look" Sam began, sitting on the chair and pausing as she heard a crunch "What the hell?" she asked looking down and seeing the needle. Picking it up she glared at him "What was in this?" she demanded grabbing him by the collar with a speed he'd never seen "Are you using drugs?" she demanded and only snarled when he nodded "Heroin?" she asked and again he nodded "Are you out of your mind?" she asked and let him go, watching in disgust as he fell back on the bed.

He glared up at her "Hypocrite!" he snarled "You started me on this path, remember the little white pills?" he asked angrily as he stood up. "Yeah, I may have.. and for that I am sorry" she replied "But this? Heroin?" she asked "where did you even fucking get it?" she asked. "I uh," he began, looking uncomfortable "I stole the money from my mom after this guy offered to sell to me.. it works too!" he said "It.. It makes me forget" he said softly. Sam had heard enough, she knew this wasn't Freddie.. Not the Freddie she cared for and considered her best friend. This was a broken man who'd lost the love of his life and couldn't recover. She took a deep breath and looked at him "I'm leaving" she said finally "I'm going to New york... I can't stay here anymore, I suggest you find the nerve to leave to" she said harshly, though her tone softened as she smiled and said "And.. When you recover look me up.. I want my friend back.. You know me email" she said and turned away "Good bye Freddie" she said. He looked up "Wait!" he said standing up and grabbing her arm "Just like that you'd leave me?" he asked, panicking a little "You'd just ditch me? Leave me here to die, because honestly Sam I don't have much worth living for" he said. Sam closed her eyes, tears forming as she listened to the words but knew even more than ever that this was the right choice, he needed to find himself again and she couldn't help him.

She turned around and slapped him, trying to blink away the tears "Don't you talk like that!" she said angrily "So what if Carly died?" she asked "Yes it hurts, but the hurt goes away" she continued, "But you're just a wimp who can't get over the fact that the love of his life died before he his chance.. Get this: CARLY NEVER LOVED YOU" she screamed, her heart breaking at the look on Freddie's face and then she felt immense pain and suddenly she was on the floor, Freddie standing over her. "YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!" he screamed as he resisted the urge to hit her again. Sam wiped away a trickle of blood from the corner of her mouth and looked up at him, almost scared. "Whatever" she said to cover up the shock she felt, Freddie had hit her! Who'd have thought he'd ever hit a girl, let alone Sam Puckett? "I'm leaving, Goodbye Freddie" she said as she disappeared through the doorway and out of Freddie's sight.

Note: Again I don't own iCarly or The song ruiner by NIN, just a fan who thought this would be a interesting story! So please Read and review, and please check out my story Good Friends and A Bottle of Pills which I just finished, I've got a couple more chapters, a one shot tie in, and a one shot sequel left for this story so keep your eyes open!


	5. iDo not want what to be I am becoming

Freddie looked down at the carpet in his room and frowned, Sam had left him.. Carly had left him. What was he becoming that he would lose his best friends? He sat down at his desk again and smiled bitterly, he knew why they had left, he wasn't worth it.. He didn't deserve friends, he didn't deserve happiness... He deserved to die, he deserved everything that was happening to him. He pulled out his journal with a shaky hand, he was coming down from another drug high, and opened it to the next blank page. He was still astounded that he was able to hide his new activities from his over bearing mother, though she had sensed a change in him since Carly's death she had no idea just how much he had changed.

_I beat my machine it's a part of me it's inside of me_ _I'm stuck in this dream it's changing me I am becoming_ _The me that you know had some second thoughts_ _He's covered with scabs he is broken and sore_ _The me that you know doesn't come around much_ _That part of me isn't here anymore_

Growling as he dropped his pencil from his shaky hand he closed his eyes, trying to stop shaking. His mind was wonderfully blank of the thoughts that used to plague him, the pain and suffering he'd felt since he'd watched Carly die was no long on his mind, he worried about his next shoot up, and his next pill high. He smiled softly, his thoughts still drifted to Carly.. and he knew that no amount of drugs would drive her out his out of his mind but the reminders she had once existed, the closest thing to perfection he had ever known, were getting rarer and rarer. He put the pencil down to the paper again, his hand more steady this time, and continued to write out his feelings.

_All pain disappears it's the nature of my circuitry_ _Drowns out all I hear no escape from this my new consciousness_ _The me that you know used to have feelings_ _But the blood has stopped pumping and he's left to decay_ _The me that you know is now made up of wires_ _And even when I'm right with you I'm so far away_ _I can try to get away but I've strapped myself in_ _I can try to scratch away the sound in my ears_ _I can see it killing away all my bad parts_ _I don't want to listen but it's all too clear_ _Hiding backwards inside of me I feel so unafraid_ _It won't give up it wants me dead_ _Goddamn this noise inside my head_

Closing the Journal he stood up slowly to go into the kitchen. Walking out of his room he froze as his mom stood in the doorway of the kitchen "We need to talk young man" she said softly "I know you've been so depressed over Carly's death" she said "But Freddie it's been three weeks" she said "Shouldn't you try to move on? Make new friends?" she asked "I mean, I know she was your best friend.. But you'll feel better if you try to move on." Freddie glared up "No I wont" he began, "Carly wasn't just my best friend, I loved her" he said, his voice rising "and now she's DEAD. I'm not going to just 'get over it' and move on" he snapped before turning around and walking back into his room, shutting the door and locking it.

Freddie took a deep breath to calm down himself down and paced the room, his mind racing "She doesn't get it" he muttered, "She's never got it, but I get it.. I'll never be the same Freddie she wants me to be, so why should I even stay here to let her down? I'm better off alone" he said as he grabbed a backpack and started shoving clothes in it. He began to put his journal in the bag but stopped, instead ripping out a piece of paper from the back before tossing it in the backpack.

Sitting out at his desk, for what he knew would be the final time, he began to write a goodbye later, of sorts, to his mother.

_I'm losing ground**  
><strong>you know how this world can beat you down**  
><strong>I'm made of clay**  
><strong>I fear I'm the only one who thinks this way_

_I'm always falling down the same hill  
>bamboo puncturing this skin<br>and nothing comes bleeding out of me just like a waterfall I'm drowning in  
>2 feet below the surface I can still make out your wavy face <em>

Freddie paused for a minute, a tear falling down his face as he realized he was losing the last bit of his old life. He also had to ponder if his mother would get what he was trying to say, and if maybe he should leave her a normal goodbye note. He quickly shook off these thoughts and went back to the little poem he had begun to write for her.

_I stay inside my bed  
>I have lived so many lives all in my head<br>don't tell me that you care  
>there really isn't anything now, is there?<br>you would know, wouldn't you?  
>you extend your hand to those who suffer<br>to those who know what it really feels like  
>to those who've had a taste<br>like that means something  
>and oh so sick I am<br>and maybe I don't have a choice  
>and maybe that is all I have<br>and maybe this is a cry for help  
><em>

He stopped at the last line, why had he written that? This wasn't a cry for help.. He knew he didn't have a choice in what he was doing, that choice had long been taken from him. He sighed, he didn't want or need help and yet he was mentioning this as a cry for help.. He was sick though, maybe he could be cured? He shook his head, it didn't matter if could or not, he was leaving and this would probably be the last time he ever saw his mom.

Gritting his teeth he continued to write, as if he were possessed, and he felt the old familiar anger coursing through his veings as he wrote the last few lines.

_I do not want this  
>don't you tell me how I feel I want to know everything<br>I want to be everywhere  
>I want to fuck everyone in the world<br>I want to do something that matters _

Folding the note in half he stopped and wrote in large letters _GOODBYE _before folding it again and writing _Mom_ and placing it on his desk, knowing she would find it. Next he opened up his laptop, which he planned to take with him, and typed up a short Email to Sam. He hit send and closed his laptop before sneaking out the window onto the fire escape.

He climbed down the fire escape and started walking, nothing but his packpack and the money he had been saving up in his pocket. He looked back at the building where he'd had so many fun times and sighed, before walking away and leaving it forever.

**Note: **Story is almost done! One or two more chapters, next chapter we'll see what Sam is up to and continue with Freddie's story. I don't own iCarly or NIN's the downward spiral album. Please read and give me reviews, I'm proud of this story and really want some more reviews. Thanks for reading!


	6. Memories that hurt the most

Freddie looked up from his makeshift bed and turned over, a dirty needle lay on the street and he sighed. He remembered bits of last night, meeting a girl.. Anna he thought, was her name, they had shot up with heroin and then he had passed out "She got my drugs and I didn't even get laid" he mumbled as he opened his journal and flipped through the pages, though he didn't feel like writing right now.

He put the small black book back into his bag and looked at his cellphone, it had been a week since he'd run away and his mom still hadn't shut it off.. Strange. He shrugged and put it back in his pocket as he changed shirts, using his new found drug dealing money. He smirked to himself as he took out the old picture in his pocket and stared longingly at it..

Carly, Sam, and him on the first iCarly show with Freddie looking at Carly longingly and Sam looking at the door, obviously imagining going to get some fried chicken. He could feel tears forming in his eyes and he folded the picture away, clenching his fists he tried to fight back the tears but to no success. He pounding his knee with his fist, sobbing as his mind seemed to almost break, memory after memory flooding in.

He lay back and sighed, tears still running down his face as he grabbed his pillow, his comfort, and found a handgun under the pillow. He picked it up and took a deep breath, his hands shaky as he held it up slowly to his head, right under his chin, and closed his eyes. He moved his finger slowly over to the trigger.

He was ready, ready to pull the trigger and end his miserable existence. He took another deep breath, went to pull the trigger and.. Nothing, he couldn't do it.. His finger moved away from the trigger and he tossed the gun down. He smirked and pulled out his journal, after all he had plenty to write about, and a nice little poem like the others he had done before would fit nicely with the ego boost he felt at owning a gun now.

_I am a big man  
>(yes I am)<br>and I have a big gun  
>got me a big old Dick and I<br>I like to have fun  
>held against your forehead<br>I'll make you suck it  
>maybe I'll put a hole in your head<br>you know, just for the fuck of it  
>I can reduce you if I want <em>

His hand writing was a little sloppier, but overall still neater than most, and he smirked "Heh, I have power" he muttered, letting the idea of a gun get to his head "I can take a life just because I feel like it, I mean.. After all, they don't really deserve to live.. Not after Carly died" he muttered closing his eyes he continued to write, banishing those dark thoughts back to the abyss of his mind where they belonged.

_I'm hard as fucking steel, and I've got the power  
>I'm every inch a man, and I'll show you somehow<br>me and my fucking gun  
>nothing can stop me now<br>shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot  
>I'm going to come all over you<br>me and my fucking gun _

He closed his journal, his arm shaking as he dropped the journal. He cursed and quickly picked it up "Damn shakes" he muttered as he pulled out another needle, carefully shooting up with the drug his body desired and he sighed softly "Better" he said before laying down, the journal in his hand and slowly fell asleep to dreams of nothingness.

Sam walking up to her dorm and closed the door with a sigh, she had cut her hair and dyed it black. Collapsing on her bed she groaned, she had come to New York to escape Seattle and because she had been accepted at a prestigious dance school in Manhattan after she had applied and sent a video of her dancing. She also worked at a fried chicken place, something only Carly, Freddie, and her would have found funny. She had saved up a bit of money and had been planning to go to Seattle and see Freddie and hopefully Spencer.. She hadn't heard what had become of Spencer. She smiled as she looked out the window by the kitchen, grabbing herself a drink from the fridge, she sighed. She'd gotten in through old clips of herself at a pageant, dancing, and had been accepted, the videos were something she'd never be able to share with Carly.. and probably never with Freddie.

She shook her head and pulled out a small round bottle, Prozac, and took two of the pills out. Sam had visited a doctor once she had been admitted, she needed a physical, and had been diagnosed with depression.. Hence she was on anti depression medicine. Looking up at the bottle she sighed and thought back to sitting there with Freddie, when she's handed him that pill.

Sam shook her head, she could add that to her long list of regrets, instead she stood up and walked over to the desk in the corner, it was old and ragged but it was her desk. Pulling out a small key, decorated with the old iCarly logo, she opened the desk and pulled out the laptop. Her wallpaper was from the day before Carly died, which seemed like a lifetime ago.

Freddie was, as usual, looking at Carly with a longing expression that now made Sam's heart break where it once might have made her laugh "What happened to us" she asked. Without warning she felt the tears come back as she lightly placed her hand on the screen, over Freddie and Carly's faces, her fingers lightly brushing the screen and running over their smiling faces.

"That was the last time I ever saw either of you smile" she whispered to the screen, her tears dripping off onto the laptop's keyboard. Wiping her eyes she logged on to her email and sighed as she saw a email from Freddie titled "Eraser". Sam checked the rest of her emails first.

Her mouse dangled above the email, the small white hand lingering there.. Almost taunting her to click it. "Freddie I swear to god if this is something morbid I'm going to mark it as spam" she said and opened the email, wincing as she read the short, but obvious, email freddie had sent her.

__Need you  
>Dream you<br>Find you  
>Taste you<br>Fuck you  
>Use you<br>__Scar you  
>Break you<br>Lose me  
>Hate me<br>Smash me  
>Erase me<br>Kill me  
>Kill me<br>Kill me  
>Kill me<br>Kill me  
>Kill me<br>Kill me  
>Kill me <em>_

_The bold print hurt Sam's eyes and she quickly deleted the email. She looked down at another email she had missed and sighed, it was from Freddie and it wasn't titled. She clicked open the email and scanned it quickly, her heart pounding as she read the E-mail._

_Sam,_

_If you're reading this then I've sent it from a cafe across from where I live now, I ran away.. I couldn't handle living in that apartment, across from where she used to live. I miss you Sam, but you left and I'm okay with that. Carly left too, they all leave in the end because I'm trash. I didn't deserve you and Carly, I see that now and I've made peace with it. Goodbye Sam, you were the friend I didn't deserve.. But needed. _

_ Freddie._

_Sam choked back a sob as she shut her laptop, she had to go to Seattle, she had to fix things. Closing her laptop she started to pack, thankful tomorrow was spring break. She had to stop, however, because the tears just wouldn't stop "Damn it Sam" she growled, wiping the tears away "Stop being a sissy and go help your friend!" she said but something stopped her, a low voice in the back of her mind, whispering softly and seductively._

_"You were never a good friend to him" the voice whispered softly, "You just wanted Carly for yourself, and you saw Freddie and his feelings for her as a threat, just like you saw Carly's rising feelings for him a threat, I mean.. If she had Freddie she wouldn't need you anymore would she?" it continued, playing on her worse fears._

_"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP" she shrieked and looked up as her roommate, Melissa, stood in the doorway "Um.." she began and Sam sighed. "Sorry" she said quickly, "Just.. a lot of shit happening, I'm heading to Seattle for break" she said sighing "So I'll be back in about a week if nothing happens." The girl nodded and smiled softly "I hope everything turns out okay" she said and Sam nodded uneasily "Me too, but I have a bad feeling" she said softly._

__**Notes**____:___ Okay so I had an awesome review the other day from Ultradizu and first off I would like to __thank you for the review! Now, you asked me a very interesting question and I promised I would answer it here. So first off, the question is "although I'm a Seddie shipper,I like your fic,I like the drama that you use (and to be honest,sometimes I don't like drama in some stories) but,I feel that some Seddie shippers are mad because of this fic,of the Creddie insinuates...and well...I hope that you will reply my review in the next chap. and you opinion about this" Now for my answer, I respect Seddie Shippers, but I do not ship Seddie. I'm a Creddie shipper, which is why this story had tones of Creddie but I never intended for this to be a romance story. I repeat, this is not meant to be a romance story. This is marked as Angst, and I might tag it with Tragedy, there will be no romance in this story. So it shouldn't matter if you're a Creddie or Seddie fan,. Now, I have one more chapter, plus an Epilogue to write so I will update Asap. Please leave me reviews and Ultradizu I hope I answered your question. As usual I don't own NIN or iCarly. And Creddie Shippers, I promise to work on another Creddie fic when I get an idea!_


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